Home Austria A Sarcastic Guide to Salzburg

A Sarcastic Guide to Salzburg

by William White

A quick note before you read this: I am being quite facetious. Do not take these suggestions literally because, in fact, these should be taken as things you should not do. (Emphasis on the sarcastic)

1. If the sun is shining through your window, it must be warm and it definitely means shorts weather. Go ahead and wear your shorts and T-shirt because it is definitely a scorcher outside. This also means that the weather will not likely change. Being in the pre-alps, the weather doesn’t change in a few minutes; no need to always bring a raincoat or jacket.

2. Always travel in large packs so everyone knows that you are from the United States. Constantly start “U-S-A” chants at every landmark, bar, and restaurant. If fact, even in all your classes start this chant. Austrians will typically join in embracing the “loud and proud” sense that American students have when they go abroad.

3. Stay away from the local bars and eateries. Make sure to always go to the American and Irish bars where all the tourists go. This is a great way to experience home while being in a foreign country. If you plan it right, you can even go in a large group. This will hopefully mimic just what its like in America. So go ahead, get that McDonald’s burger!

4. Only buy food and drinks that you are familiar with. Never buy the food from the stands, the festivals, or not-as-well-known restaurants. You should definitely just go to McDonald’s every day. Food is the cheapest in the old city so that is where you should do most of your dining-out.

5. Don’t talk to the locals, no one speaks English and they are all really mean. They for sure don’t know the best places to go and eat. They are very unfamiliar with people visiting Salzburg and will just stare at you when you try to talk to them.

6. Starbucks! Besides the fact that Austria is the café capital of the world, stick to only drinking the coffee at Starbucks. There is absolutely no where else to get coffee in the city. Starbucks is also tons cheaper in Austria so make sure to go there every day.

7. Don’t take the public transit. It is always late and doesn’t even go everywhere. It’s a lot cheaper to just get a taxi. While Central Europe has some of the best trains, don’t take them. Once again, they are always late and not at all convenient. Instead, just fly everywhere because it is way less stressful.

8. Never, ever take the scenic route. It is much easier to always take the same roads and never go out and explore the unknown city, especially the mountains around the city. The views aren’t even that great. Instead, find one road and always take that way.

Well, that’s about it.

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